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just an update [15 Oct 2006|09:18am]
[ mood | tired ]

I have been put on bed rest so to speak. I can get up and do stuff but no heavy lifting etc. Ive been very tired. Friday my blood counts came back ok. Im still bleeding somewhere and they arent sure where. I keep getting dizzy and stuff so thats why they want me to rest alot. Wednesday, the 18th I have to go in for a Cat Scan of my abdominal area so they can get a better look and see whats going on in there. Tuesday I have to have a full gyno workup and then I might be referred to a ob/gyn specialist if i need to be. as of right now, they arent sure if I have an ulcer thats bleeding out(thanks Bill!) or if its uterine related. The doc called Friday night and told me not to spend my weekend worried, we WILL figure this out. my stomache feel likeshit right now...im hoping its the ulcer thing. that can be dealt with! 

anyway, my spirits are much better today than last week, but physically im wiped out, weak and tired.

just wanted to update ya! 


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Can anyone beat this day?? [11 Oct 2006|11:44pm]
[ mood | scared ]

ok, got up at 7am today cuz me and my friend both had eye appointments in town. we leave the house at 8:15am only to have to turn back because I forgot something and Jen forgot her cell phone. (you'll see laster why we were so HAPPY to have gone back for it) Anyway, town is 45 minutes from here, my appointment is at 9:30am and hers is at 10. no prob. After the eye doc appointment the plans were to go get the new tires put on my car and then go back to the hospital to talk to my dietician. we ran out of time so we stuck around the hospital to wait for the dietician appt. At the same time Im handing the nice girlie at admittance papers I got from my rheumatologist just yesterday requesting MORE damn blood work, another chest xray and another urine sample. the keep finding white blood cells in my pee i guess??? so i pee and get the blood work done, then head off for xray. after taking the xray im getting dressed in front of a full sized mirror and noticed a rash all up my left side of my torso...nothing on the other side. So I decided to go talk to my doc and ask if this was something to be worried about. They are apparently linked to the hospitals pc's and have my test results there before i get there. It was too late for me to be seen so they told me to come back at 1:15pm. so we have an hour to kill, maybe we'll get the tires done now? NOPE...keys are locked in the fuckin car. tow driver gets there and saves the day! yippeeee tow man!! he made that 55.00 look like such tough work, those overpaid fuckers!! hahaha

ok, where are we now....we've run out of time to do the tires so we decide to run to wallyworld. Jen needs lantern fluid and I need conditioner. then we stop at raleys to pick up my blood pressures meds. we drive around for a bit and its finally time to go see the doctor. I sat so long that I nearly walked out, which I now know would have been a very bad decision for me to have made. my blood counts according to the lab run about an hour before shows that I have hardly any blood cells...im seriously anemic, i said ok, gimme some iron and let me go home, im tired. no deal there. I was told I needed a blood transfusion right now. I shook my head and said hold on, i dont know what your saying...Im going to get my friend from the lobby. i brought her in and I guess I heard them right, i needed 2 pints of blood. apparently Im bleeding inside and they dont know where from. Friday I have to go back in for more blood work up....maybe even more tests, like sonograms and stuff to see if any organs are losing blood...and some other test that will tell them if i have an ulcer bleeding out. (wonder whose fault the ulcer is??) another possibility they said is that I might need an emergency dnc(dont know what that means) something about a tubal pregnancy, i was fixed 7 yrs ago. 

Im on the verge of freaking out...i just sat in a hospital bed crying for 6 hours being pumped full of some strangers blood and I have no idea why?? i wont know more til friday...Im so fuckin scared right now.

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arghhhhhhhhhhh [10 Oct 2006|06:48pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

ok, yesterday I told Mikayla about Bill and I, she didn't take it well. I told her we'd see him on tuesday. well guess what?? he showed up yesterday and walked right in the door hollering "hi", threw me off. he took a shower and complained about being "homeless" etc, blaming me the whole time. he argued with me over all sorts of shit and thats why I broke it off with him in the first place. He slept on the couch.

the docs have me on some sleep meds so I'm usually quite out of it throughout the night. I woke up with him cuddled up to me!! Im not gonna say I was thrilled about it but I do miss him. At some point tonight when he gets back I need to ask for my key and ask him to call before he shows up. is that wrong of me?? how can I do it nicely? He leaves for work tomorrow morning for at least a week. He now says I get to keep our lab, that makes me happy. 

Im just so angry he made the choice to climb into bed with me...maybe it was habit, after 4 yrs it might be hard to not do something that was once a regular thing? i cant make excuses for him. im frustrated right now...I dont think he fully understands that its over.

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i did it [08 Oct 2006|08:35pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I couldnt fake it anymore. I ended it with Bill 2 days ago. He came by for some of his things yesterday...will be back for more Tuesday. not much to say but it hurts like hell because he didnt even want to try and save us. yea, he cried...but didnt put up a fight.  which is a good thing because I wouldnt have changed my mind.

anyway...dont wanna talk about it really. crazy thing is, i still love him with all of my heart.

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my immortal [06 Oct 2006|07:40pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

im feelin this song today..."my immortal" by Evanescence:

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have...
All of me



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CMA [06 Oct 2006|04:28am]
[ mood | scared ]



Ok, thought I'd share a few cute halloween gifs first...right click to save them for emails etc!

I'm gonna start off tonight by saying that I feel like I must be going nuts or something. Bills off camping and I enjoy the tense-free household, yet at the same time I miss him. My heart craves him, but at the same time my head tells me its over. I finally believe that I am being emotionally abused by him. Everytime we discuss anything he 'spins' it and makes everything my fault. Usually he likes to tell me "if You werent such a bitch all the time I would be an asshole to you". But if ya really think about it...Im being bitchy cuz he's an asshole. I guess it could go either way but I know I wake on the weekends with the best intentions...I make his coffee, his breakfast, bring him his robe and for some reason he still starts his day off in a shitty mood. Its like he doesnt know how to function unless all the people around him are misreable. EXCEPT outside the home...at work and with friends he treats me like royalty, its a jeckle and hyde deal. I lost count how many times Ive been called a whore, a cunt(i hate that word!!), a bitch, a dumbass and even fat. It sucks cuz as a woman I cant forget these things. He seems to not ever remember saying them at all. 

even though I miss him, I am preparing for the single life. Im arranging help with man stuff around here. My backyard fence isnt quite finished so my friends husband will do that for me at a discount price, he does contruction for a living anyway. I also have firewood lined up for the winter and will pay a neighbor kid to climb up on the roof and clean gutters etc. I would but I feel like im in the twilight zone when Im up high, i get woozey/dizzy/unbalanced and scared. sounds stupid I know. one time I tried to clean the gutters myself and it took my neighbor almost 2 hours to get me down the ladder...I cried the whole time. I'm debating on buying myself a generator cuz up here in the mountains the snow and weathercause power outages for days at a time. If I can at least keep my fridge cold then I wont be wasting money on wasted food.  shit, that reminds me...I need to have the chiminey sweeped so I dont get a fire up there. 

Im scared to go it alone...and Im not sure when it will be happeneing but what I DO know is that its inevitable.  I think it will be emotionally hard as hell for some time cuz Bill is my one true love...but how can I love some one who does me like that all the time. 

for now, Im beginning to CMA

covering my ass...just in case it happens sooner than I thought.

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this song... [04 Oct 2006|12:34pm]
[ mood | content ]

For some reason this song is hitting home for me right now...if you can find it and listen to it, its a very pretty song. Its called "breathe 2am" by Anna Nalick. here's the lyrics:

Anna Nalick
Breathe (2 AM)

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a Day", he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

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[03 Oct 2006|03:03pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Well, he's home...but out dredging today. he goes back to work thursday and then he will bring home the trailor and go camp for awhile. I sorta gave him a month to make the changes i need made...I can't try any harder than I already have. I bet he stays gone for the whole month so not to give me a reason to kick his ass out. One good thing is that he's talking about getting me prepped for winter before he goes...he's also been looking at one bedroom places and Im guessing since I wont get rid of my daughter that its for him only! (that was a joke, my daughter kicks ass, love that kid!) He's also making up a budget for me and including things like car insurance which he has always paid for...i think he knows its the beginning of the end for us. He cried the other night...I cant handle that. 

change of subject. damn doctor put me on crestor, my good cholesterol is wayyyy too low and bad cholesterol is wayyyy to high...and with the high blood pressure and man-related-stress, im like a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen. at my friggin age, this is BS! Im only 36 damnit. I have to see a nutritionalist on the 11th because I almost ripped my doctor a new asshole(blam it on my PMS) when he told me I had to cut my chocolate intake to 2x a week. I asked him if he meant 2 BINGES a week?? he laughed so that was a no. Bill swears i have no reason to stress...i guess he's the only one allowed to have issues. ok, this morning was rough, the weather is getting colder and damp, Bill actually had to help me out of bed today. that makes me want to cry...i dont want to get to a point where I have to rely on anyone for help. Im keeping my fingers crossed that is simply the fibromyalgia and nothing more serious. Though fibromyalgia does NOT go away, its manageable and thats a GOOD thing. As opposed to something more serious where I could just be physically deteriorating...i feel like a pic cushion, they take so many damn tests these days. Now there talking about my gall bladder...whatever. anyway...enough of that, it makes me feel depressed a bit and i cant have that right now. with the Bill crap I have enough on my mind.

the depression/stress/anxiety got to me 3 days ago and I did some cutting...something which I havent done in 17 years. nothing serious...it only happened once and Im done and feeling better now. sounds like something a crazy person would do...or someone who wants attention, thats what bill said. he doesnt get it that I only wanted to feel something besides what I was feeling at the time. guess I'll have to smoke a little more pot or something just to deal with crap. becoming an alcoholic doesnt sound too fun...lol

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[29 Sep 2006|08:59pm]
[ mood | sad ]

im not sure what to say right now. my friend gave me a sedative so im getting tired and feeling mellow. my night was rough last night. Ive decided in no uncertain terms that its over. I just cant take it anymore...its getting harder and harder to be happy around him. He asked me, well he said "I'll be home monday...what I wanna know is if Im coming home to stay...or to pack". I started crying and told him most likely to pack. Now its all my fault..."I cant believe your doing this to me" he said. what i cant believe is how long I dealt with it.m already covering my ass in many ways. Its time to prep for winter and buy more propane so Im gonna have to do these things on my own now. Its gonna be a tight xmas without his income, but this is something I feel I must do.

i hope he doesnt talk me out of this when he gets here monday...im feeling so confident right now...sad but confident that I can do this alone.

I will update more on this subject as things progress or digress, whichever way it goes.

oh had another damn doctors appt today. not much good news there but I have enough shit on my mind and Im sure no one even read this anyway.


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my boring update [27 Sep 2006|10:26pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I don't really have much to say this evening...I'm kinda tired and feeling a bit 'blue'. tomorrow is yet another damn dr appt, I will find out the results of the last labs I had done. also the doc will check my poison oak...its healing pretty good. I thought saturday/sunday that I might have to go in for the prednisone shot, but its been improving since then. 

I need some more crafts supplies...Im busy making halloween stuff and running out of black paint and stuff like that. of course in a month I will be short of reds and greens...my crafting switches as the seasons do. I cant wait to start decorating for halloween! I have all my boxes out and I just made a cool new life-sized scarecrow to add to my display. Ive also ordered a cauldron that emits a fog like stuff and more tombstones and ravens to sit on the tombstones!! I made my neighbors the most kick ass halloween decoration. It took like a week to make. I found an old umbrella and tore the fabric off, then I spray painted it black and bent all the 'rods' in different directions. I hung a bunch of handmade halloween ornaments on it and wrapped some of the 'umbrella' with glow in the dark cobwebs. from the center I hung a large black widow that I made from foam balls, pipecleaners and paint. It turned out really cool. I was supposed to take a pic for my mothr to see, maybe tomorrow after we go to town.

Bill's working hard...doesnt look like its gonna slow down anytime soon. Usually the winter is VERY slow at the brewery. BUT...the owners are expanding and that means Bill will be helping set up a larger brewing system and that sort of thing. It kinda worries me because during the winter the town he works in gets completely snowed in, you cant pass the mountains to get back home. and with that much snow and stuff I worry he wont be warm at night. and I wont be either, he's like an electric blanket for me...he keeps me cozy!

now to work on the BS that he puts me through when he's home.

Im at my wits end...but I love him so much that my dumbass will deal with just about anything. depends on the severity of his actions tho...i might be hopelessly in love but I am definatly NOT a stupid woman.

I will know when the time has come to say fuck it...im close enough as it is.

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[25 Sep 2006|09:19pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Is it that hard to believe that I feel as though a storm just passed?? Living in such turbulent weather is bound to make a person nervous about what might roll in next. There should be a few clear days for me, maybe a week or so...and then its almost as though I will sense the storm moving in and I start to buckle down. Its the same way each time...and the real weather, per say, hasnt even left the late summer phase outside my windows. Its wild and turbulent at times in here, tense and eerily quiet at others and sometimes quite content...but I always know when the weather will change. its hard for me to go through this at times. all i know is that it should be clear sailing for possibly a week.

thats a pleasant thought to hold in my head tonight...

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found a bunch of fun pics!! [21 Sep 2006|12:57pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I'm still learning all about LJ, here are a few pics of me from my gallery...you can view the rest there. How do you get to it...I dunno, so if you figure it out, let me know!! hahaha

me and bill me and bill

we were doing jello shots that night!!
me, another that bill took me, another that bill took

Bill took this pic of me
Cameron, Me and Mikayla :) 2003 Cameron, Me and Mikayla :) 2003

Me and my kids, Cameron and Mikayla 2003
Me under the weed sign...taken by Bill Me under the weed sign...taken by Bill

I bet tons of people stop here on Hwy5 and do this. Bill took this one of me
Ok, I found the link to my gallery...

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ughhhh [19 Sep 2006|03:12pm]
[ mood | itchy as hell!! ]

Lets see...where to begin. Bill had like 5 days off so we went out and had some fun. He hasnt brought beer home since his last 'episode' so thats cool. we went out into the forest where we live looking for campsites and new claims to dredge. I had to pee so I wandered off out of site. A bit later we were walking to the river edge past the trail I snuck off to to do my tinkle. Bill asked "where did you go?" so I pointed to the general area where I squated etc. He said "shit Kriss!! Thats all poison oak!!" So now its 2 days later and Im covered in rash and all itchy. Im highly allergic to poison oak, I can get it by just looking at the damn stuff! The last severe case I had put me in the hospital and on prednisone. miserable for me and everyone around me, i hate that medicine!! Usually it takes me 4-5 days to develope the rash, this time it showed up in less than 24 hours. I have to take my neighbor to town tomorrow to get the results of her heart tests...so I made an appt to see my doctor too. I'd rather see if I can get started on something now before it gets to the emergency room phase.

So, I also fell on my ass that day...was kinda funny. Anyway we found a wonderful spot where we can put our camp trailer and also launch the dredge...its about an hour from home so its not too far if we need anything from the house!

I have been crafting my ass off! Im making a life sized scarecrow for my porch, its looking really good! Im making more decorations for the outside also...I soooo love to decorate for halloween and xmas!!!

grrr...i gotta go put some more itch stuff on, just caught myself scratching!!

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I remember...do you?? [11 Sep 2006|11:46am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Asleep, I woke up to the phone ringing. I can't remember what time it was...I'm in California so Im guessing it was just before 6am. On the phone was one of my best friends at the time, Carol. {may she rest in peace...she has since passed in an accidental overdose of pain meds in 2004...she had bone cancer and accidentally od'd on her morphine} Anyway, half asleep I hear Carol telling me to "turn on the tv, we're being bombed!!" I told her she must be high and went to the livingroom to turn the tv on. I asked which channel, she somberly replied "all of them".

The first thing I saw on CNN was the first tower with smoke billowing out of it. I stood there shocked...my mind not fully comprehending what I was seeing. Im not sure when I hung up the phone, those first 10 minutes were a blur to me...it felt as though I was dreaming. At this point I had no idea what was happening. Next thing I know, I see this grey blur coming into veiw on the tv...and then it vanished behind tower one. Immediatly following the disappearance of that grey blur was a big puff of orange and yellow flames coming from the tower behind the first one. All I could think was 'what the hell is happening?'. 

At that time I think I became addicted to CNN, I spent weeks in front of the tv...i didnt have a tv in my room so I slept on the couch with the tv on. I now fall asleep in my room to cnn...but I set the timer so the tv goes off while Im alseep. I remember crying for weeks. I knew no one involved...but my heart broke as if I did know some of the victims.

I will never forget how this tragedy brought our nation together and how much patriotism rose during that time. My flag flies everyday, not just on 4th of July or Memorial day or even Patriot day...EVERY DAY! 

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my boring ass update... [09 Sep 2006|05:47pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Well, my doc appt went ok. Had all sorts of bloodwork done, a few chest xrays and a urinalysis. Not exactly a "fun" day for me but its all done for now. I swear I've given so much blood this past year. I hoping they will figure out why I hurt so much and why Im so tired all day long. The new sleeping pills are working for me, with no headache so thats good. But the doc said with better sleep I will be in less pain, thats not happening. My crafts are becoming more difficult for me to do, especially with the detail work when I paint. handling beads and tiny gems really sucks...my hands get to trembling and I'm dropping them alot. at least when im not shaking and getting some actual crafting done, it makes me feel good. Emotionally, I go into my own world when Im crafting! :)

Tomorrow is the 1st fball game for my boys! Go 9ersssssssss! yea, you can say it...the 49ers suck, but Im a die-hard fan, through the good AND the bad, which has been quite a bit the last 10 years! LOL. It's  San Francisco at Arizona at 1:15pm, I think. I swear It's taken too long for the season to start, and when it finally does get to be football season it seems to go by too fast! :(

Bill and I had lunch after my lab tests Thursday...I was so hungry from fasting for 12 hours...all I had in my was maybe a cup of water. We ate burgers, onion rings and shared some chili cheese fries. The cook came out and said " I hope you two are hungry! thats a lot of food!!" I couldnt even finish my mushroom burger!! Bill ate most of the chili fries and onion rings and all of his ortega burger! we could barely move afterwards. We had a nice talk about us during lunch too. I made it perfectly clear how close to being 'done' with trying in this relationship. I also let him know that the only reason Im still here is because I love him so much, but we're only hanging on by a thin sheet of ice right now. He agreed and promised some changes on his part and really lived up to them on his last few days off. He left this morning for work again and will be gone until Monday or Tuesday. Im keeping my fingers crossed that things will be as good on his next several days off, and continue to stay good. I really meant it...I cannot take much more of this. I also told him I left my x husband for LESS  than what he's putting me through. 

ok, time to go, my back aches when I sit in this chair too long. Keep your fingers crossed that the docs figure out whats up and its something simple that can be dealt with! gotta have faith in the medical system now...Lesa Barton(a gold mining friend of ours) died on Wednesday morning from cancer and my best friend, Nikki Farber, has to go in for another MRI on Tuesday to see if the mass in her brain is still growing. they dont think its operable, so lets hope its NOT grown since the last MRI last month! She's already had one brain surgery AND chemo and radiology...she's been through enough! I need Nikki in my life...she puts a perspective on my aches and pains...I always know there's plenty of ppl out there dealing with REAL issues. It keeps me grounded.

bye all ****hugs****

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[07 Sep 2006|08:41am]
[ mood | hungry ]

ok, it's almost 9am, im friggin hungry!! I slept like shit last night, alot on my mind. didnt have the terrible headache last night so thats good :) I told Bill(aka WB) that I would be going to town around 11am but I may go early. He's at work but wanted to meet me in town for lunch, he says he knows I'll be starving by the time Im done. Im so tired and out of it and hungry that Im wanting to leave very soon, if I do...i will miss lunch with him. i can grab something by myself but he and I need to do some talking and I figured lunch would be a great opportunity.  Physically I feel okay today...not quite as good as yesterday but good enough that i wont be needing any pain killers today! so thats good :)

I think I'm beginning to hate doctors. All I wanna know is why I almost always feel like i can barely move and why Im fatigued all the time. I wish it was easier for them to figure out, perhaps Im just sick of all the tests. 

guess Im gonna go shower and get ready, I think I will leave early. we can talk this evening when he gets home. hopefully he wont go pouring a beer right off the bat. I have a feeling thats gonna mellow way down, after the last episode I do believe he had slight alcohol poisoning. I told him that I left my ex husband for way less than what he's putting me through. He was almost in tears appologising to me. 

i guess thats a story for another time...i gotta go get ready.

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medical shit [06 Sep 2006|12:21pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I went to the doc yesterday to follow up on my high blood pressure. it was 178/134, so he doubled my dosage of BP medication. Also he decided that I may have something called fibromyalgia(sp??) and started me on something to help me sleep better thus helping my body recoup at night therefor making me feel less pain during the day. Took the first pill last night and had a headache the entire night...Im hoping it had nothing to do with the new med but i will find out tonight if it happens again after taking it. If it does, I will discuss it with him tomorrow...I have to go ito town anyway for more lab work. I have to fast for 12 hours before having my blood drawn, thats gonna suck.

so today I got a letter from my rheumotogist, who told me I wouldnt hear from him unless there was a problem with the tests. Apparently they found blood and white blood cells in my urine. Im not sure what that means but they want me to take a buttload of tests now...so im trying to get it taken care of tomorrow while doing the other tests. they are wanting a clean-cath urine test, so that means they will put a damn catheter in me, fuck!! They also want chest xrays again...this is starting to scare me. I know Im in pain alot...i thought i was just 'getting older' a little sooner than I expected.  im keeping my fingers crossed that this is only that fibromyalgia thing because if it is, we can manage it...it wont go away but it is soemhing can can be helped. Im afraid if there is something more disabling wrong that WB wont stick around, who wants to take care of someone who can hardly move? Physically Im having a good day, so thats nice. I hate when the rhemotologist contacts me. it makes me worry.

enough for now...I should try and find out what it means to have urine and white blood cells in the urine.

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my boring life... [30 Aug 2006|04:48pm]
[ mood | content ]

Well, it's been a few days since I've updated, life is somewhat boring right now. WB is back at work for a few days but should be home Friday evening. We had a very good few days together. He got home friday night and went back into work this morning...so it was 4 days together. It was productive and good in alot of ways. We talked a bit about some things that were bothering me and we made progress on some chores around the house. We're about to start getting things ready for winter here, its almost time to start getting the wood situated and checking our winter supplies etc. things around here during winter can be very unpredictable...last years flood knocked out power for days on end and with the roads flooded no one could get to town so this year we'll be better prepared. We need to be sure the generators are in working order and extra gas is on hand...make sure the propane is stocked up and ready for the cold/snowy season. We got some of this done last weekend...our prep lists are ready...we can start checking things off our 'to do' lists.

on a personal note: WB hardly drank on his days off this time...I think I only saw him drink three beers this time one night. he and I talked about the way things are and the way we think they should be right now. alot was said and I feel we made progress. Overall Im happy about the way things went. I truely love him with all my heart and I hope this is a new beginning to the way we communicate and work through our issues.

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tgif?? [25 Aug 2006|12:23pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Well, it's friday...minimum day at school for the kiddo and WB should be home tonight. He calls every night and the last 2 nights he has been drunk when he's called me. He doesn't even know I have an LJ so I think I'll get some things off my chest before he gets home tonight. The following is just personal stuff that needs to be let go by myself...

When he drinks, I get nervous. He's not violent, never has been and never will be. Lately he has been making stupid choices...driving while drunk etc. Sometimes things will be just fine, and then other times he will be verbally mean to me. He calls me names, puts me down and makes me cry. The next morning he claims to not remember any of it. He even told me last week after one episode that he is blacking out. That right there tells me he's got a problem. Either he really is blacking out and doesnt remember saying these things to me or he's pretending not to remember so he doesnt have to face up to it. He tells me: 'do you think I like hearing that Ive said those things to you?'. Who would? He's called me every name in the book when he's drunk but never when sober. He's wonderful when he's not drinking. Lets see...Ive been called whore, dumb bitch, slut, cunt, idiot, fat, disgusting, hideous and more...but only when he's ripped. Its hard for me to not think about these things cuz I rarely drink and Im sober when he says them. Tuesday night on the phone he admitted that he needs to slow down...but Wednesday and Thursday he was drunk each time he called me. I know he hates it when I gripe about his drinking but I find it hard NOT to say things. The things I say are stuff like: "I thought you said you were only gonna have one beer tonight?" and "please dont talk all sweet to me...you never say those things when your sober". See, thats the thing...sometimes he can be all sweet and stuff while drunk, yet othertimes he's a real friggin asshole. He tells me he loves me all the time...more than he used to. But its when he's drunk that he starts proclaiming his love for me and talking about how much he wants to marry me and stuff. I just want him to think like that and say those things when he's not been drinking. I told him last night on the phone that i had been thinking alot this week. he told me that if I dont want him to come home, tell him now and get it over with. Thats not the case..Im just frustrated with some things. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life...I dont want to be without him. I just want some things to change and I dont believe he loves me enough to make those changes. Im probably wrong, but i'll blame it on the pms...thats why im so emotional this week. I do love him...very much, thats why it hurts so bad when he acts that way.

ok, now that thats off my chest. its time for me to go...

maybe i will do some crafts to get my mind off all this...or bake some cookies!!!!!!!!! I so love both those tings...baking and crafts!!

Comment this...

This disturbs me [24 Aug 2006|11:31am]
[ mood | confused ]

The other night I tivo'd ABC's Primetime news show 'the outsiders'. This episode was about these 14 year old twin girls name Lamb and Lynx Gaede, they are singers who have recently released their second album. Whats shocking to me is that these girls are singing songs about white pride and Hitler and that sort of thing. I will post a link to the story at the bottom of this post. There are so many things about these girls that I find disturbing on many levels.

At age 14 you how can they have such strong feelings about something so stupid as white supremacy?? Their mother pounded this into their little heads from the time they were born. One can only hope that as adults they will realize how stupid they acted as children. How can a parent do this to their kids? Why is it that we need a license to drive a car but anyone can be a parent...even stupid racist assholes?? I should stop now...this whole story has the potential to make me very angry.

here is the link to the full article:


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